its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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