so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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