A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
