I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
