They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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