What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We left the knife in your bed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
