The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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