He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
