the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
