Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
