just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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