i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
