she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
