JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sext me about skeletons
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
