I am puke
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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