He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
