I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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