grandma shit on top of the toilet
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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