i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
