got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
