You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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