batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
