the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
