I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
