I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
