Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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