I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
