The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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