Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
