I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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