Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
