"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
