Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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