we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
