dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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