Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
