Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
