I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
