he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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