Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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