yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
