just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
