he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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