my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
