My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
