We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
