I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
