You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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