just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
