can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
